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I’m back to being me.

April 3, 2010

Can I say something? And be completely honest about it? I feel like I have been talking about this A LOT lately. But I soo think it’s worth mentioning.

I have been a lot happier this week. A lot more relaxed. More fun to be around it. Even my mom commented on it.

For the past 2 years or so, honestly, I haven’t felt like myself. I have felt like such a “caged-in” version of myself. I lost who I was. I was controlled by something. And It all clicked today. I have been controlled by food for the past three years.

I think we need a little background to better explain myself.

About 2-3 years ago, I lost about 15 lbs or so and completely changed my body. I started lifting, started following different meal plans and they progressively got more and more restrictive. At first it wasn’t hard because of all the amazing results I was seeing, but it started to catch up to me.

Last summer

While I love the way I look in these pictures, it’s darn near impossible to stay that way. Every winter I gain about 10-15 lbs because it’s just IMPOSSIBLE to keep myself like that without driving myself crazy. And every winter after I vowed not to gain the weight, but still did, I would feel depressed and start to not like my body.

I started becoming obsessive, worrying about what my next meal would be and how to make it fit into my “macros.” I started freaking out about what I would eat at Seans parents house and what I would do if she cooked spaghetti. I started to binge. I even had a panic attack and start bawling one night because I felt so guilty about eating an apple that wasn’t in my plans. AN APPLE. I mean, cmon. I knew I was at rock-bottom and I didn’t know how to get out of it.

I started to eat more food and not be as restrictive. BUT, I was still restricting my head. I would eat pizza and pretend all was ok–but really, in my mind, I was freaking out about it. I still binged. For the past 2 years, even when I was eating more, I binged and thats because I was still in “dieting mode” in my head even if I wasn’t carrying it out.

Well, I haven’t binged in two weeks. WHOOHOO. It feels good. So good. I was talking to Sean about it and he said something so amazing that it made me rethink things completely.

He said that he would rather me be 10 lbs heavier without having the perfect stomach than be the girl who was always worried about what she was going to eat or the girl who was grumpy and never happy.

And I got to thinking–wouldn’t I rather be that girl too?! And I have been this week. So happy go lucky and just fun again. Me again.

And ya know what, I still look dang good. And I still have a killer stomach, it’s just not quite as defined. But, I can still see abs. But, what’s more important is that I’m so much happier now that I’m allowing myself to relax around food. It feels like a giant weight as been lifted.

Anyways, enough of that.

I’ve had a great weekend. Last night me and Sean went out to dinner with his parents at a lovely LOCAL italian restaurant. I ordered some pasta tossed in garlic and olive oil with tons of veggies…mushrooms, spinach, squash, zuchinni and roma tomatoes with grilled chicken. So delicious. And I left not feeling stuffed…which we all know is a tough thing to do while eating Italian. I was dying to take a picture of it, but Sean’s parent’s aren’t so keen on the blog thing so I don’t take pictures around them.

Today was even better. I got to sleep in (11 AM people!) and then went over to my mom’s. My stepsister was there and she has a new miniature schnauzer. All black. So cute.

Look at all the cuteness!

Good timing huh?!

The rest of the day was spent relaxing, doing a little homework and eating good food. Sean’s mom made steak with salad and asparagus and it was so tasty. Again, no picture, but trust me. It was good.

And with that, me and Sean are off to watch a movie. Have a good night everybody!

Oh, and here’s your question: We were talking about this tonight…can you roll your tounge? I remember when I was in middle school that I was shocked to find out that not everybody can roll their tounge.

Do you share my talent?

I'm one talented woman.

51 Comments leave one →
  1. April 3, 2010 10:07 pm

    i am so so glad u wrote about this…so relatable to so so many.
    u are so cute with your puppy ..and i wish i had your hair…u are beautiful girl, u dont give yourself enuf credit…and in the end we all end up shriveled and gray, so why waste out time obsessing …useless.
    sean sounds great!

    cannot roll my tongue…just not talented i guess :)

  2. April 3, 2010 10:10 pm

    Oh, I can’t tell you how happy this post makes me for you!! :) I remember when I had this same revelation and it is the most liberating feeling!! Andrew feels the same way – he’d much rather me be curvy and happy than skinny and bitchy, hehe! ;) That’s something I’ve been really keeping in mind doing BFL. Yes I want to improve physically, but I refuse to let it make me go backwards in the progress I’ve made mentally. Anyway, I’m so thrilled to hear that you’re getting back to just being YOU again.

    Hehe, I can roll my tongue too! ;) I should take a pic to prove it!! :)

  3. April 3, 2010 10:12 pm

    Your sister’s dog is SO effin’ CUTE.

    And yes, I can roll my tongue…yet I’ve always been a little jealous (why? I have no clue) of people who can wiggle their ears….

    I’m so glad you came to that conclusion re: your body, weight, and happiness. You are gorgeous and work hard on yourself/your body – that is not going to change – it’s the mindset that makes ALL the difference. And the happier you are, the more you will naturally relax around food and eat both what you WANT and what you NEED…it’s a great side effect of the happiness. I struggle with this, too, and on my most happy days, I find that I take care of myself the best.

    • April 3, 2010 10:15 pm

      I most certainly can’t roll my ears! It would be very cool to do though!

  4. *Andrea* permalink
    April 3, 2010 10:23 pm

    omg this post is great! i have issues still with binging/restricting – very related!- all stemming from a period of recovery from anorexia when i binged my way back to a healthy weight. any ways, 2 weeks without a binge is amazing! keep it up girl.

  5. fattiefatterton permalink
    April 3, 2010 10:34 pm

    I’m so happy for you, honey. That is wonderful!! I’m so glad that you are celebrating yourself. You deserve it!

    Why are Sean’s parents not keen on the blog thing?

  6. April 3, 2010 10:36 pm

    Thank you so much for this post. It is so true. My boyfriend was reading over my shoulder and was nodding his head at what Sean said. :)

    I can actually roll my tongue into a 3 leaf clover shape. All the kids in elementary school thought I was so cool! haha

  7. Denise permalink
    April 3, 2010 10:46 pm

    No, I cannot roll my tongue, never could. I am so happy you have found your happy spot in life with yourself. Life is wayyyyyyyyyyy toooooooooo short to sell yourself short.

    You are a strong beautiful woman. Great post, there are probably alot of people out there who can relate to this subject.

  8. Danielle permalink
    April 3, 2010 10:49 pm

    I’m glad you’re finding peace :) It’s so true- having more definition to your body is NOT worth unhappiness! If it’s a struggle to stay at a certain weight, then that’s probably not your body’s “happy weight” (or the place it can optimally function).

    I can roll my tongue too!

  9. April 4, 2010 12:22 am

    Love your honesty!!

    That picture of you and the dog is funny!!!

    I can role my tongue. I’ve always wanted to be able to lift one eyebrow and I can’t. I used to sit in front of the mirror holding one eyebrow down and trying to “strengthen” the other one by doing “eyebrow lifts”.

  10. April 4, 2010 12:30 am

    I’m glad you found your “happy place”. I think I had an “ah ha” moment that was similar- wouldn’t I be much happier if I weren’t so obsessive and just felt GOOD?!?!

    Such a cute pic of you and the new dog!

  11. April 4, 2010 6:07 am

    That is so awesome!! And amazing abs or not, you’re beautiful and have a great personality! Thanks for sharing. It’s empowering for all girls, because we’re all too hard on ourselves at one point or another. :) Have a GREAT day!

  12. April 4, 2010 6:16 am

    Yup, SO know what you are talking about here. I went through something like this briefly when I started losing weight, and had a really hard time moving into maintenance because of it. It was during my last year of university and I would stay home from school events because I didn’t want to be around the food and alcohol. It finally just clicked that I rather be a little heavier, HAPPY, and hang out with my friends, than stuck inside obsessing over a body that only my boyfriend got to see anyways. And it’s true, men would much rather have a woman who’s a little soft around the edges than one who is always freaking out about things. I think we tend to put too much importance on food, and take too much of a “micro” approach. An apple may ruin an entire day, but when you look at all the food you eat in the span of a year, how much does it really matter?

    I ranted. Sorry ;)

  13. April 4, 2010 6:30 am

    Fabulous post! I’ve been there more times than I can count. It’s a struggle and I think everyone goes through it. I wish I could say I don’t worry about what i’m going to eat when I go to a restaurant or a family dinner, but I do. Once I get there though, I usually relax and go with it. I think it’s just something I’ll always go through. You’re right though, 10lbs of happiness is better than sitting home alone and miserable because you’re too scared to be in social situations. I’m so glad you’re feeling the way you are. Keep smiling!!!

  14. April 4, 2010 8:29 am

    Hey, girl! I’m out the door and don’t have time to leave a long comment, but I wanted to let you know that I found this post SOOOOO inspiring!!! Seriously amazing! I’m glad you shared that even when it seemed like you had ditched the diet mentality, it was still lurking around in the back of your mind. This has happened to me, and it’s been a real struggle. So glad to see that you’re happy and feeling great! :)

  15. April 4, 2010 8:56 am

    Thanks for sharing your background. It’s nice to know a little bit more about you. Glad to hear that you are starting to feel more like yourself again too. I’ve gone down those paths before where I was not myself at all. I didn’t know who I was and no one else around me did. It was a hard fight back, but when you make it out of that, you are so much stronger for it.

  16. Lindsey permalink
    April 4, 2010 9:14 am

    I can SO relate to this!

    Andy really disliked me when I dieted, and who could blame him? I had NO sex drive (which sucked for both of us!) and was such a grumpster! I didnt go out either, I wanted to just go to bed at 9pm, even on weekend nights…lame!!

    When I stopped the crazy diet I felt the ‘old me’ come back! I was so happy, energized and up for anything. I got my sex drive back (hell yah!)…and you know what? Andy loves my body even when I have so called “fat days”. It bothers him when I talk bad about my body b/c he just doesn’t understand it…and who can blame him? It’s nonsense!

    Great post, I am so glad you are feeling better!

  17. April 4, 2010 10:26 am

    Oh Lisa….I am so happy for you! You are beautiful and I am so happy that you are starting to see yourself more clearly…and yeah…you abs rock! Have a great Sunday and go kiss Sean…he is AMAZING! :)

  18. April 4, 2010 12:27 pm

    Girl I love this post! It’s just like you said about mine – I can SEE how happy you are and it’s awesome! There is so much wisdom in what Sean said too.

    I love achnauzers! How adorable!

    Nope can’t roll my tongue. It drive me crazy when I was little lol.

    Happy Easter!

  19. April 4, 2010 12:50 pm

    i love love love this post. you are SO right!!!! the older i get, the more i feel this way. yes, i want to stay in shape/healthy. but i don’t want to freak out over every little thing. marshall hates it when i am like that, too. i can roll my tongue too! yay! happy easter. that schnauzer is SO cute!

  20. April 4, 2010 3:31 pm

    What an adorable god. I love little cute fluffy dogs!

    This post makes me so happy. So glad you are a-okay with yourself. You look great. If you feel great that is what really matters! Love this post!

    Have a great Easter

  21. April 4, 2010 3:49 pm

    I love your honesty in this post. Sometimes when I think that I need to be more defined or lose an inch here or there I’ll start reading articles on what you NEED to eat in order to achieve a certain look. I often wonder if it’s worth it and if it’s actually a “look” that I can maintain easily. Your post makes rethink the need to change anything and it helped to remember that I’m just right the way I am. Thank you and I’m so happy that you’ve found some piece with food. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in a restrictive diet. Happy Easter!!

  22. April 4, 2010 5:55 pm

    This post made me so happy to read!:) Keep on being you:)!!

    Oh, and I can roll my tongue to:) hehe

  23. eatspinlive permalink
    April 4, 2010 6:04 pm

    I found your blog today and just thought I would say that I love it! It was so great to hear such an encouraging story! I can’t wait to read more :)

  24. April 4, 2010 6:14 pm

    I loved reading this post, seriously. I think we can all relate to this. Sometimes I wonder why I let 5 pounds make or break me when in the long run it doesn’t matter! It’s 5 pounds! I’m so glad you’ve come to this conclusion and I hope I can get there one of these days.

    In any case you are gorgeous and I think you look awesome in every single picture in this post.

    PS – I can roll my tongue too!

  25. April 4, 2010 8:35 pm

    Lisa, you are an amazingly beautiful and wonderful person!! We have been through so many similar things with our bodies and mindsets it always amazes me. I felt like I could have written this post 3 or 4 months ago…word for word. I completely relate, so know that you are not alone. Think of the reassuring things you have said to me. And say them to yourself because each and every one applies to you. You are awesome, inspiring, beautiful, sweet, and a great friend. I completely agree that the dieting mindset is the devil and is what makes it heard to give up the binging and unhappiness with self. It definitely takes time, but if you really continue to focus on life is more enjoyable not stressing over food and THAT is what should matter in life (more than defined abs and smaller pants) then it will become second nature soon enough. Keep that chin up. Know you are beautiful and those you love, love you for who you are…not your physical appearance. Love you and man I hope we get the chance to meet in person sometime!

  26. April 4, 2010 9:47 pm

    WOW.. beautiful post girl!!! you are so just need to enjoy yourself and think about food as need it so you can keep living your amazing life! i am so happy for you. you are so beautiful, and you have a boy that loves you no matter what.


  27. April 4, 2010 10:54 pm

    Thanks for sharing your struggles. Sometimes I feel that I binge especially when I have had a bad or long day. That is definitely not the way to handle it.
    I think you are gorgeus! I am glad you are feeling better!
    Hope you had a great Easter!

  28. April 5, 2010 4:24 am

    I beyond SO SO SO agree with you lisa and i was there too. Not to say I was ‘thin’ i wasn’t at all, because thats just not in my genetics to be skinny, but i was a bit trimmer, but I was OBSESSED and it came to the point, i was passing up foood and would get so upset about it too, i was cry and be grumpy and moody and my brother would always say to me “naomi, why are you crying? because you watn to eat this? just eat it! NOTHING is going to happen to you after eating 1 cookie” he was so right. Nowadays, I am much less rigid, still eat very healthy but allow myself some treats once in a while and it feels damn good!

    OMG your sisters doggie is SO cute!! love it and love you!

  29. April 5, 2010 7:57 am

    I LOVE this post, and I love your honesty! I honestly flip flop and wonder sometimes if I just let all of my apprehensions and fears go about gaining weight, what would happen. It’s a scary, scary thing, for sure. I think most people would prefer being 5 or 10 pounds heavier but HAPPY, rather than a “skinny bitch.” :-) I’m still workin’ on the whole balance thing…I hope to figure it all out one day!

    I can roll my tongue…that’s about the only cool thing I can do!

  30. April 5, 2010 8:45 am

    this is EXACTLY what i told myself to stop all the bingeing and feeling bad too! finally, i just had to say: would i rather be skinny, toned and feel miserable or a lil’ rounder and happy? HAPPY. i finally chose happy, and i couldn’t be more HAPPY that i did that.

    amen sister…to you and your rockin’ abs :)

  31. April 5, 2010 9:42 am

    Girl, I know so many women know exactly what you are talking about. Including me! I still have issues. Everyday is different and Sean is so right (and so very sweet) about having a happy girl around. My hubby is the same way. So glad you have such a supportive guy!

    I can roll my tongue but The Lover cannot. I’m so special. :)

  32. morriskr permalink
    April 5, 2010 10:47 am

    GREAT post, and like many others I can definitely relate. I’ve been going through a similar struggle lately and posts like this make me realize what is really going on in my head. So thank you!!

  33. April 5, 2010 11:22 am

    Umm wait a second….who’s blog am I reading? Did I stumble on one of my own posts?! Seriously I couldn’t have written this better myself. THIS IS MY EXACT STORY TO A T! Exactly! Even to the part about what Sean said…my husband has told me the same stinkin thing. He said he would rather me be 10 pounds heavier and have his fun-loving, down for anything, happy wife back. Ugh it still cuts like a knife because he is right!

    I haven’t had a binge since I wrote that post about it, just about two weeks ago now. Have I overeaten at times? YES! But it was never to the point where I just said “screw it” and started shoveling food in my mouth left and right. The most important part is I didn’t really even beat myself up over those times…just moved on.

    I am so proud of the progress you are making girl! We have so much in common it’s ridic :)

  34. Erin permalink
    April 5, 2010 12:56 pm

    Your a beautiful girl no matter what. Thank you for sharing this post becasue I think a lot of us girls go through the same thing as you. Congrats on a step in the right direction!

  35. peanutbutterfingers permalink
    April 5, 2010 1:53 pm

    hey lisa! your honesty is what i love the very most about you. this post was so well-written and sums up how so many of us feel. i think you’ve reached your “happy weight” and that’s so wonderful. living a life of deprivation isn’t worth it. you are so beautiful inside and out and my heart is filled with joy reading that you’re happy with yourself b/c you truly deserve to be.

  36. April 5, 2010 2:10 pm

    I can’t roll my tongue, never have been able to.
    I’m so glad you have reached this realization! Life is just torture when you aren’t happy with yourself.

  37. April 5, 2010 2:37 pm

    I’m a tongue roller!!! I can fold it, roll it, turn it over, and I can tie a cherry stem with it. LOL

    I’m soooooooo happy that you’ve found your happy place, Lisa. Seriously. You have a great body, with or without “definition”…and it’s a bod tons of ladies would die for!!! :D

    I’m curious…why aren’t Sean’s parents “too keen” on the blogging?

  38. Vee permalink
    April 5, 2010 3:24 pm

    Great post Lisa! I am glad you find yourself again & are happy! I absolutely agree that to control absolutely everything you eat is just not do-able – I am on a challenge at the moment slightly counting macros and stuff, but I will be back to my normal laid back attitude once my ‘beach holiday’ is over. Life is too short and I just can not say not to certain things in my life! :-)
    BTW very cute puppy! And I love your flashback photos in your previous post! They put a smile on my face! :-)

  39. April 5, 2010 8:05 pm

    Lisa, thank you so much for sharing a part of yourself with us. We live in a world where we think that if we can just get to this one perfect size, then everything will be right in the world. But what we don’t realize is the damage that is being done to ourselves on the inside in order to get there. If and when we reach that goal of our “perfect body”, our body may reflect what we wanted to see, but on the inside there is still a void of unhappiness. I have learned from my husband that happiness is a choice. I can take any situation that comes my way and choose how it will affect me. Therefore, I can be happy if I do not have the perfect body. And if that results in me truly loving myself and enjoying life, than that is completely fine by me. Keep up the great work and remember that your happiness is your choice!

  40. April 5, 2010 10:21 pm

    I am sooo happy for you that you feel like you again. Lately, my posts have been on this issue too. I was never really a binger but have done it a few times. My amazing boyfriend said the same, that he would rather have a happy girlfriend with some “extra” to love – which he then followed up by saying that is and never was “extra” – than a introverted, edgy thin/skeletal girlfriend.

    I am learning too to be happier with my body when it is at a healthier weight.

  41. April 6, 2010 1:40 am

    Aww, this post made me sooo so happy!! Now I just adore you and your blog 10 times more. So happy that I found it just a week ago!

    And you’re exactly right–i’m sure you still look great and will continue to look great as time progresses….but without having to be so regimented! I’ve always been super healthy, but last year I became just a little TOO obsessed with it….and getting my personality, health and happiness back has been so rewarding! Being happy and loving yourself is so much more attractive anyways :)

  42. April 6, 2010 6:56 am

    You are beautiful! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and story with us. I think that most of us have gone through a similar situation of restriction and negative body image. I completely agree with you, I would rather be the girl who is happy and people like to be around then be that sad, little girl who doesn’t want to enjoy family and friend time because there may be food around. Hope you have a great day girl! xoxo

  43. April 12, 2010 4:54 pm

    Got here via April’s blog… I totally agree. Wonderful wonderful post. I mean, I’m actually now at the top (10 pounds up) but food is still ruling my life. Blah. The last 3-4 days I’ve been letting go a lot and I actually aven’t gained anything. Go figure :P

  44. hayleycepeda permalink
    April 17, 2010 10:56 am

    I am SO SO glad I read back over your older posts and stumbled across this one!! I can definitely relate and couldn’t have written what you wrote any better myself. It sounds like you opened up my head and just translated everything that was inside my brain! I definitely think restriction is what keeps me on the road to bingeing. As soon as I feel guilty about something I’ve eaten, or if I get that “too full” feeling I feel like I’ve screwed up and might as well go on an all-out eating fest “while I can” because I’m going to “start over” tomorrow. It sounds as though you are on the right track and it’s very inspiring to me! When I saw your recent picture I thought you looked fantastic…so whatever you’re doing has been working!! I don’t think having a 6 pack and an extremely lean body is attainable for any woman for a long period of time – UNLESS she is trading in her happiness and enjoying social get-togethers involving good food for the sake of low body fat. Not worth it to me! Life is too short and we only get one! :)

    Would you say you’re taking more of an intuitive eating approach to food now as opposed to BFL?

  45. June 9, 2010 3:23 pm

    Great post, Lisa! Thank you for sharing! You know I can totally relate. It hit me when you said that you were restricting in your head. I do the same. I’ll pretend with others that I’m having a cheat, but earlier in the day I’ll have restricted in anticipation for the “cheat” meal. I don’t allow myself to fully enjoy the “cheat”. Then, I restrict afterwards. I’m glad that you have moved on from this. You give me hope! You are beautiful inside and out. :) Good for Sean making that statement too!


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