I’m back to being me.
Can I say something? And be completely honest about it? I feel like I have been talking about this A LOT lately. But I soo think it’s worth mentioning.
I have been a lot happier this week. A lot more relaxed. More fun to be around it. Even my mom commented on it.
For the past 2 years or so, honestly, I haven’t felt like myself. I have felt like such a “caged-in” version of myself. I lost who I was. I was controlled by something. And It all clicked today. I have been controlled by food for the past three years.
I think we need a little background to better explain myself.
About 2-3 years ago, I lost about 15 lbs or so and completely changed my body. I started lifting, started following different meal plans and they progressively got more and more restrictive. At first it wasn’t hard because of all the amazing results I was seeing, but it started to catch up to me.
While I love the way I look in these pictures, it’s darn near impossible to stay that way. Every winter I gain about 10-15 lbs because it’s just IMPOSSIBLE to keep myself like that without driving myself crazy. And every winter after I vowed not to gain the weight, but still did, I would feel depressed and start to not like my body.
I started becoming obsessive, worrying about what my next meal would be and how to make it fit into my “macros.” I started freaking out about what I would eat at Seans parents house and what I would do if she cooked spaghetti. I started to binge. I even had a panic attack and start bawling one night because I felt so guilty about eating an apple that wasn’t in my plans. AN APPLE. I mean, cmon. I knew I was at rock-bottom and I didn’t know how to get out of it.
I started to eat more food and not be as restrictive. BUT, I was still restricting my head. I would eat pizza and pretend all was ok–but really, in my mind, I was freaking out about it. I still binged. For the past 2 years, even when I was eating more, I binged and thats because I was still in “dieting mode” in my head even if I wasn’t carrying it out.
Well, I haven’t binged in two weeks. WHOOHOO. It feels good. So good. I was talking to Sean about it and he said something so amazing that it made me rethink things completely.
He said that he would rather me be 10 lbs heavier without having the perfect stomach than be the girl who was always worried about what she was going to eat or the girl who was grumpy and never happy.
And I got to thinking–wouldn’t I rather be that girl too?! And I have been this week. So happy go lucky and just fun again. Me again.
And ya know what, I still look dang good. And I still have a killer stomach, it’s just not quite as defined. But, I can still see abs. But, what’s more important is that I’m so much happier now that I’m allowing myself to relax around food. It feels like a giant weight as been lifted.
Anyways, enough of that.
I’ve had a great weekend. Last night me and Sean went out to dinner with his parents at a lovely LOCAL italian restaurant. I ordered some pasta tossed in garlic and olive oil with tons of veggies…mushrooms, spinach, squash, zuchinni and roma tomatoes with grilled chicken. So delicious. And I left not feeling stuffed…which we all know is a tough thing to do while eating Italian. I was dying to take a picture of it, but Sean’s parent’s aren’t so keen on the blog thing so I don’t take pictures around them.
Today was even better. I got to sleep in (11 AM people!) and then went over to my mom’s. My stepsister was there and she has a new miniature schnauzer. All black. So cute.
The rest of the day was spent relaxing, doing a little homework and eating good food. Sean’s mom made steak with salad and asparagus and it was so tasty. Again, no picture, but trust me. It was good.
And with that, me and Sean are off to watch a movie. Have a good night everybody!
Oh, and here’s your question: We were talking about this tonight…can you roll your tounge? I remember when I was in middle school that I was shocked to find out that not everybody can roll their tounge.
Do you share my talent?