I’ve finally made the switch to self-hosting! So, I will no longer be posting at https://lisaou11.wordpress.com.
From now on, I will be posting at….
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Thanks guys! Please let me know if there are any issues. You can email me at LisaOkie@gmail.com if you see any issues with the new blog or your Google Reader!
First–quick note. I found my phone! Some lovely Samaritan turned it in to the Chemistry office and I received it this morning. Second, I have not worked out except for Monday. When I have two tests back to back, working out it this the thing that goes. One more test on Monday!
I’m going out-of-town to Arkansas this weekend for a wedding. I’m excited since I do love to attend weddings, but this particular wedding got me thinking about some past insecurities of mine.
I’ve been with Sean for 4 years now. From the very start, I never felt pretty enough to be with him. When I met him, I felt very average. I didn’t really work out and I didn’t watch what I ate. I just was…and I was ok with that. Then, I met Sean.
He was good-looking, fun and everyone liked him. I saw that he worked out and exercise and had an amazing body.
He never made me feel unattractive. He always told me I was pretty, good-looking, hot etc. I never felt it. I felt like I didn’t belong standing next to him. That’s what started my quest for the perfect body. You all know my downward spiral from that point.
I found out about girls he had been talking to around the time we met. He never hid anything from me so I knew their names, etc. I Facebook stalked them. I became obsessed with them. I compared myself to them. I decided that they were so much prettier than I was so I needed to work extra hard and diet extra good so I could “beat” them. I wanted to be better looking than them. I wanted Sean to look at me and know that he made the right choice by dating me instead of them.
Of course, he never made me feel like he made the wrong choice. He didn’t know how I felt about it. He never knew I didn’t feel like I matched up with him. He never knew that I looked up these girls on Facebook till I was blue in the face trying to find ways that I could make myself prettier or better looking. I never told him because he would have thought I was crazy. Heck, I probably was.
Time went by and I got the perfect body. I finally had a better body than those girls, but still, I didn’t match up to them. And then disordered thoughts and everything else came. I always felt like I just couldn’t do enough to make myself as pretty and as good-looking as all the girls around me.
This insecurity really took a toll on me and Sean’s relationship. I never told him all these feelings, but he could feel them. He always asked me why I never felt confident. I think my lack of confidence started to make him view me differently. Confidence is sexy. At that point in my life, I didn’t have any.
I went through another year or so feeling the same way. I finally got to the point where I felt “ok” not being as pretty as those other girls he hung out with around the time we met. I figured “I’m not as pretty, but he is still with me and that says something.” I accepted that I would never be that pretty. Pretty sad, huh?
Well, this Friday, I finally felt it. I had just gotten my hair done. I was wearing new boots. My accomplishments with school, work and friends was really making me feel on top of this world.
I drove over to my mom’s house to show her my haircut. I walked in with my sunglasses on feeling like the sexiest woman in the world. I strutted in to where her and Perry (my stepdad) were sitting and did a circle to show them how great I looked. Perry looked at me in awe and told me how wonderful I looked. My mom smiled at me with a smile that only a mother can give her child. Yes, I did look pretty. More importantly, they could feel my confidence.
At that moment, it struck me. I finally realized I was just as pretty as those girls Sean hung out with. I deserved to be next to Sean and I did rank up with those pretty girls.
It was an amazing moment for me. In the course of 5 minutes, I undid all the damage and negativity I brought on myself for the past 4 years. I felt like I was coming into my own as a woman.
This picture was from last Saturday. The day the damage was undone.
One of those girls that Sean hung out with will be at the wedding on Saturday. In the past, I would have freaked out about this. Thoughts like “omg, I’m going to look like so ugly next to her. Sean will see it. He will realize he could’ve and should have so much prettier. I’ve gotta eat no carbs for like a month before this wedding. I’ve gotta get skinner. I’ve gotta go spray tan. My hair has to be perfect. Oh crap, I better whiten my teeth.”
Not this time. Sure, I looked at a Facebook picture of her. And yes, she’s a gorgeous woman and I still think that. But ya know what, I’m a gorgeous woman too. I deserve to view myself just as I view her. We are both gorgeous and both deserve to have gorgeous men next to us.
Being pretty isn’t a competition. Everyone is beautiful their own way and it’s time wasted when you try to think of ways to be prettier than the next girl. You are only you. You can’t be anybody else. So, spend your time thinking of ways to better your soul. Gain that confidence and you will feel just as pretty as anyone out there.
That’s my flashback to my insecurities as a woman.
Now, here’s my flashback to some weddings I’ve attended from years past.
From left to right: Grandpa, Mom, Uncle, My step grandma, and my great grandpa.
2008. All the bridesmaids with the groom!
Have you had to deal with insecurities? If so, what’s your experience?
Weddings? Yay or nay?
I mentioned this earlier, but my blog is in the process of becoming self-hosted.
I’ll let you know when the change is complete. Let’s face it, imanokie.com is so much easier.
I’m off to bed. It’s been a rough night. Anatomy test and a lost phone. Anatomy test went good, losing my phone was bad :)
Sweet dreams all.
Last Friday, I drove by a pet shop (which I hate pet shops..most likely they buy from puppy breeders…go animal shelters!) and thought I should stop in. They always have cute puppies and I really need a pick me up.
Puppies always make you smile, right?!
I walked in and saw an orange kitten. She was sweet and I played with her for a second. I passed my two lab puppies. No thanks. My ex roommate ruined me on lab puppies. Way too much work. I petted them and moved on.
Chihuahuas were up next. That’s a big heck no.
The next breed I saw made my heart flutter…
Mini Dachshunds. All of a sudden, I got this grand idea that Milla would love to have a little dachshund sibling.
There were three of them. A standard black and tan male, a black and dapple female, and the one I fell in love with…a double dapple female.
I held her for about twenty minutes just playing with her. I put her down and she cried and she tried to jump back into my arms.
It took everything I had to walk away from her and out the door. I reminded myself that I’m way too busy for a puppy and that I don’t need one.
Never go look at puppies if you can’t get one. Just don’t.
Do you have pets? If so, what kind?? and names please :)
First of all, I want to say thanks for all the great comments to my “no plan” post. Everyone here is phenomenal. We are all at different places in our life in regards to balance–but we all strive towards the same things. A healthy life filled with fun, relationships and being healthy!
Also, please don’t mind that my blog URL now shows up as https://lisaou11.wordpress.com. I am making the transition to self hosting and will change shortly. You can still type in http://www.imanokie.com and it will take you here.
When I think of Fall, I don’t think of beautiful colors in the trees. Oklahoma seems to skip that stage most of the time.
I think of all the beautiful mums that appear every year on the University of Oklahoma’s campus. When August hit, I anticipate the day they will pop up in all of their glory.
Every year there is a different color scheme and design. Every year I love them just the same.
There’s something about a college campus that makes me feel alive. I love the long walks, the gorgeous trees, and the spirit of learning. I love that university’s thrive on change and knowledge.
College campus’s make me feel alive.
Especially the University of Oklahoma’s campus.
What college did you attend? What’s your favorite thing about it?
If you didn’t attend college, that’s fine…what’s your favorite thing about Fall?
For years, I was always on a plan. I knew exactly what I would be eating for the day. It was a rotating calorie plan that would include anywhere from 123 grams protein, 136 grams carbs (60 grams of starches, 70 grams of veggies and others), 29 grams of fat (good fat per day was 14 grams, residual fat was 15 grams) on low days to 142 gram protein, 157 gram carbs, and 33 grams fat on high days. I would always divide this numbers to make it 5 meals. A starch serving for me was 20 grams and I could have 3 a day. A fat serving for me was 14-16 grams and I could have on serving per day.
Yes, I counted that down to the tee every evening and would pack my food for the next day.
I did 40 minutes of cardio 4 times a week. No two cardio workout could be the same. I had to do them based off a cardio parameter. I would have a “9-10” day which was super intense, complete lack of breath, etc. Running did not count. I would have two “8-9” days that was more interval in nature. Then, I’d get one “7” day. Ya know, easy walking on a treadmill at 15% incline (not that easy).
I’d have specific plans for weight lifting. I’d typically lift 4 days a week depending on the plan. I had the exercise, rest time, sets and reps down. The reps/sets would switch up each week and my lifting plan would change every week.
I did this for about two years. It was hell. I began to hate plans with every inch of my body. I binged towards the end. A LOT.
This would have been fine for a shorter period of time had I was competing in a bikini or figure competitions. That’s what my plan was…it was geared towards competitors. But, was I competing? NO. I became obsessed with looking perfect and looking like I was competing.
I took progress pictures every month. Ya know, the typical front/side/back. I’d take them and judge myself. I’d pick apart my body and what was wrong with it. I’d analyze them.
I took a lot of impromptu pictures in the mirror of my back or my abs. I was always paranoid that they would be gone, so I checked them every.time.I.looked.in.the.mirror. Those pictures gave me proof that my abs were indeed there. I could breathe easier. Life revolved around those abs.
Sadly, I took a ton of these. I needed that reassurance they were still there. I have some of biceps, back, triceps, shoulders. You name it.
I was obsessed. It led me into some depression, gave me anxiety and I became a hermit of myself.
I quit seeing friends. I didn’t want to put myself in situations where I would be tempted to eat bad. Heaven forbid I miss a workout. I can’t tell you how many times I turned down a dinner out because of the food and the fact that I’d have to miss a workout.
But, now, it’s different.
I’m on a “No Plan” Plan.
My plan now includes breakfast like this…
Peanut butter. Bacon. Honey. Bananas. Two slices of bread.
Trust me, that would have never been on the plan before.
It includes meals like this…
I see no protein “source” in this…all I see is peaches, bread, and peanut butter. Aka: a nutritious breakfast. Not having protein wont’ kill you. That’s my plan now.
It includes things like this…
There’s also lots of healthy stuff..
My workouts are no longer dictated for me. I do what I want and when I feel like it.
I’m not afraid to take a workout outside now and do some trail running and stop for a break :)
I’m not afraid to do a less intense workout like Core Fusion if I feel like it…
Fun classes like Zumba are great cardio. I don’t have to run sprints for it be a “workout.” Although, I still LOVE sprints and do them often. I just don’t have to.
This was my Zumba class on Halloween. Some people dressed up :) Why hadn’t I thought of that?
I considered wakeboarding to be my workout for the day…that would have never happened on my plan.
Hell, sometimes, I just dance for a workout…
And now…I take pictures to celebrate parts of me that I love instead of taking pictures of myself to tear me down and nit-pick at parts I didn’t love.
Or, I simply take pictures when I feel pretty.
Personally, it feels better to celebrate myself than to break myself down.
My “no plan” plan also has lots of time with friends and loved ones…
I’m now no longer afraid to have a beer or two. Sean actually said to me on Sunday after our Halloween weekend how much more fun I am. He said…
I always used to worry when we went out that you wouldn’t have any fun and then I’d feel bad. Before, it never seemed like you wanted to be out. You always seemed stressed or something. I could tell you had a lot of fun this weekend.
Those comments remind me that I’m moving in the right direction with my life.
My “no plan” plan allows me to live my life on my terms. No longer will I allow workouts and food to take over my life. Now, I eat when/what I feel like. I can now eat treats with a lot of healthy stuff in between. Now, I don’t have to do 4 days of cardio with varying intensity levels. I don’t have to do sprints. I don’t have to lift if I don’t want to. Now, lifting is more enjoyable when I do it because I want to be there moving heavy things.
I don’t care about reaching a certain body fat or having a certain amount of lean muscle mass. I don’t care about being as lean as I can be anymore. I care about happiness and health.
Someday I might want to get back on some sort of workout plan if I have some goals I wish to achieve. But, now,my plan is to be happy and healthy. To eat well and nourish my body. To have fun. To move and be active.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a training plan or nutrition plan. Sometimes it’s good and needed. Training plans are essential for races and for competitions. Nutrition plans can be good to help you lose weight or make sure you are getting in your necessary intake.
At this point in my life, I don’t need plans. I need freedom.
I want to be me. I want to feel like me. And this “no plan” plan allows me to be myself. I can finally live the life I want to live without feeling guilty.
Hi all my lovely friends. It’s a busy week for me. I’ve got tests and I’ve got lab partners to deal with. I am a part of a lab group with 4 people! Four is far too many for a group. Each lab has essays and two of the girls like to do absolutely nothing. If they do attempt to do something, they either copy it from a friend or straight plagiarise with no citations. It’s maddening. Just 3 more labs. I can’t wait till this semester is over. Next semester, I only have one class which will seem like H E A V E N. Then, I can really devote my time to things I like–like my blog.
So, since I’m busy, I have a lovely guest from Jame @ Food in Real Life. I met Jamie on a fitness forum and she has been a friend for two years now. We have gone through a lot of the same things in regard to food and exercise (having use the same trainer that gave us both issues). She has come through it and is on the other side and wants to offer her words of advice.
Do you know how many times I’ve Googled that? AND…
”How to stop emotional eating”
“How to stop overeating”
“How to stop hating yourself after bingeing”
Or how about, “How to stop repeating the cycle that has kept me hostage all these years”?
My first bouts with binge eating happened during college. I was dealing with some issues restricting food and over exercising. When it would get to be too much, I would give in and binge.
I would binge on all of the things I tried so hard to restrict, and for just those few moments, I would feel free. I would feel numb. And I would feel happy.
Immediately following however, I would be riddled with guilt, shame and fear. Did I just undo all of my hard work? Was I going to look in the mirror and be 20 pounds heavier? Should I go purge?
The panic, the sadness, the embarrassment. And then, of course, then would come the inevitable “please fix me” google search.
I thought that maybe, JUST maybe, there would be someone out there that would know the answer. I prayed that someone would understand and tell me how to stop this behavior. I didn’t realize at the time that the only person that could fix me….is me.
Binge eating and emotional eating have followed me even after I stopped restricting food. Just like an old friend, I can crawl into the arms of food when things aren’t going well. Food is always there, and food can keep me company when I’m lonely. And when I’m bored, food will entertain me. And fear and guilt can keep me occupied when I’m stressed out.
The truth is that for me, there isn’t a “cure” for binge eating. But there is hope. I found my way out by learning to love myself. When I started running this summer, it helped me to appreciate my body and to respect what it does for me.
I tuned in to my body’s signals more than I used to. These signals help me to better decipher what is going on when I’m headed towards the kitchen. I am also more honest with my eating and I am not afraid to acknowledge that I might need to eat emotionally every now and then.
So next time you are about to search google for answers on how to stop the bingeing, and you feel like you need someone else to fix you, you might want to search inside yourself first. You are the answer.
Have you had to deal with binge eating? I know this can be a sensitive topic for most people. It’s a shameful act and I’ve told select few people that I’ve had to deal with this. I think Jamie’s advice is wonderful. I won’t lie and say that I still don’t get urges to binge. I do. Especially when I’m stressed. Stress tends to bring out different sides of me. I start to focus on my body, what I don’t like about it and start feeling anxiety over food which leads to binges. I’ve learned that when the going gets tough I have a tendency to pick apart my body because, sadly, that’s easier than dealing with the problem at hand. But, that’s the thing..I’ve learned that about me and see it coming. Now, I can divert that. It’s extremely helpful. When I get the urge, I always sit and wait. I might take the dogs for a walk. I might write in a journal to get whatever anxiety I’m feeling out. Basically, I leave the kitchen and do something that I enjoy OR doing something to figure out whatever the heck is behind those urges.